IMPORTANCE

Please excuse Lady for what she is about to say. Now it is no big deal to me to admit that all people are important to somebody, somewhere and on some level. But who told these sorry a-- triflin' muthaphukas that they were important to me? Who told them that the sorry games that they like to play are important? Who told them the the world stops spinning when they get pissed over some dumb shit. And most important of all, who told them that the sun rises and sets on their sorry asses.
Lady is done now. Good night!!

HEARTBREAK

All of this time I thought I knew what a heartbreak was. Lord knows I thought I'd been through it all. Either I haven't or there are a bunch of different kinds.
I spent time with one of my friends yesterday. Now keep in mind that I hardly ever use the word "friend". (refer to prior post) Anyway I thought that if guys could be married, this is the guy I'd be with. During the last 2 years we have kind of drifted apart for a variety of reason but mainly because of women. No problem. Happens in "straight" friendships all the time. At any rate, I am absolutely convinced that he was strung out on some kind of drug because of the way he was acting. I've seen enough people in my world go down that road and it always ends in disaster. Always. I let it go until today and something inside me told me that I had to call him. So I did. I asked all the questions that I was supposed to ask and you know what he denied it. Normally I would have been happy about the denial but the strange thing about friendship, if a friend lies to you...you know. My problem is that if he was in fact lying...this would be the second time he has lied to me.

Lady St. Claire is a very forgiving person. Almost to a fault. Lying is one of those things in fact the only thing that I have a problem forgiving. The first lie he told me is what started the drift in the first place. This second lie is probably going to kill our friendship. This all brings tears to my eyes everytime I think about it. My question to anyone who is reading is how do you move past something like this? Help a lady out!!

FRIENDS

What does the word friend mean? It's funny to me that so many people have so many interpretations of what the word actually means. Some people call anybody they speak to their friend. Some call anybody they know their friend. And then there are the people like me who use the word so rarely that people probably don't think I associate with anybody.

I don't make it a practice of getting all philisophical about things but in this instance I do. "A Friend" is a person who is there for you no matter what messes you have made in your life. They never judge you or berate you. If you need something you call this person. If you feel like crap and you just need to feel better, you call this person. If you hate yourself because you feel everything about yourself is wrong because you have feelings you can't explain, you call this person. If this person is not available you know that just leaving a message will get a call back. To top it all off you have got to be willing to do the same thing for them. A past acquaintance that is on the way to becoming a friend once told me that if you can give a person your ATM card with the PIN number and tell them to hold on to it for weeks or months and you know that when you get it back and the balance is the same...THAT'S YOUR FRIEND!!

In my mind if a person is not all this and more; don't disgrace the word and call them a friend. Somethings just gotta be sacred.

I feel truly blessed to be able to say I have "a friend" so just imagine how having 2 or 3 friends make me feel. I have had some relationships over the years that are just now blossiming into that beautiful thing called friendship. God am I lucky!!

EPIPHANY

According to Webster, an epiphany is a comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization. Webster also defines epiphany as a sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something. Lady St. Claire defines epiphany as a nice swift kick in the rear end that life gives you when you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing. I'll be damn if that little voice just starts talking s--- worse than one of your friends in a bar with both of you drunk off your asses.
So tell me why I was sitting on the couch having myself a pity party that could put Cinderella's ball to shame when that little voice inside manned up and started talking trash to me. He said "why are you accepting just getting by?" "Why is this less than mediocre existence OK with you?" "When are you going to step up to the plate and accept that you are better than this and take your rightful place in this world?" WHY, WHY AND WHEN? It's funny how you get caught up in day to day living and you forget about what drives you because you are to wrapped up in surviving. Sometimes that little voice is necessary just to get you back on track. But there is a trick. YOU GOTTA LISTEN!!! For all of you hard headed buttheads like me, this is the hard part.

So Lady what's the plan? Well I've got a lot of tools at my disposal so I just have to use them. For those of you who know me, watch me go from pauper to prince. For those of you who don't read on. I'll tell you about my successes as well as my failures.

Listen

It's really funny how when you listen to people you hear the answer to the questions that boogle your mind. Not always what you want to hear but you hear it just the same. Sometimes life can be a real pain in the ass. You think you are doing what is right but it turns out that you are one selfish SOB! Not that caring about yourself is all bad but what really defines a person (especially one like me) is how much you care about other people.
I recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine (girl you know who you are) and I told him that I won't venture into a relationship with a man unless it means something to the person I'm with. Now to complicate this situation is the fact that I have a wife at home. So the question is how can I expect it to mean something to my guy if I really don't have anything to offer except an occasional roll in the hay? I mean I really have no intention of making changes in my life so how can I expect someone to accomodate me without any real commitment from me? Hmmm! Casual fucks are not what I am about. Never been that way. So what do I do?
I guess in the big scheme of things it would seem that since casual sex is not what I'm about and I can't or won't commit to anything, I should just ignore this attraction I have to men and go on with my life. That would be the selfless thing to do. Talk about defining moments!